Veganscopes by Nostrildamus

I read boogers!

A Vegan Swamp parody of Astrology- -presented with a Vegan Theme

By Professor Nostrildamus – The Vegan Swamp’s resident horrorscoper and interpreter of sun signs for Vegans.

Can your sun sign reveal what you should eat? Food Astrology?

Moon Pies anyone?

Do you believe in astrology? Lots of us do, believing that the 12 signs of the zodiac represent reflections of our individual personalities. And there are those that think Astrology is a bunch of hooey. Those vegans who believe in astrology are convinced that the planets and other celestial bodies have a strong influence over everything on Earth, especially the kinds of foods to eat and the ones to avoid!

This is a really cool website to explore more about food astrology in depth.

Whether you’re a believer in astrology or you just find it entertaining to read your weekly horoscope, this parody of ‘Fractured Fairy Tales’ is the vegan swamp version of the 12 signs of the vegan zodiac that seeks only to entertain and amuse. For those with a limited sense of humor, who live and breathe by the real deal, be our guest to check out the authentic horrorscopers at

Do you know that your zodiac sign is on the apparent path (the ecliptic with twelve constellations) of the Sun across the celestial sphere over the course of the year? Do you know that the Sun was above your zodiac sign when you were born? Confusing stuff and why I failed Astrology 101.

The 12 zodiac signs are grouped into four elements: Air, earth, fire, and water. If your natal chart (a map of the sky at the moment you were born, archived on microfiche at the library) includes many planets in a certain element, you’ll see the qualities of that element show up a lot in your life. 

A brief refresher of the real thing – not made-up nonsense by Nostrildamus

The qualities we all strive to obtain throughout our lives may be attributable to each Zodiac element: AIR: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius; intellectual, energetic, communicator, EARTH: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn; grounded, self-assured, practical, lives in the real world, FIRE: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius; passionate, confident, honest, forthcoming. WATER: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces; puts others before themselves, compassionate.

That does not mean for example that a Vegan Leo is not smart or energetic, skills the Vegans born under the Aqaurius sign are known to possess. Just the opposite, in fact, they just don’t brag about it. Ultimately all the signs give equal attention to the pursuit of perfection. We strive for perfection knowing it’s not attainable, causing no harm to the animals or the planet on our lifelong journey.

Born on the cusp? Lucky you! You inherit the best qualities (faults?) of each sign. Twins born on the cusp are twice as lucky!?


Along with the 12 signs, the zodiac ‘wheel of fortune’ is also divided up into 12 houses, where each slice of astro-pizza represents a specific area of life, and each adds another layer of interpretation to the planet-sign formula.

When a planet enters a certain house, it reflects that houses energy—another layer on top of the planet’s layer, stacked 3 deep, smothered in vegan ‘plant-based butter’ and dripping with sugar-free ASTRO-syrup!

We call this phenomenon:


A house-to-house search for almond flour also unearthed the qualities dominating each house:

1st house: The self, new beginnings, independence, activism, new relationship.

2nd house: Money, material possessions, day-to-day work tasks, investments, new wheels.

3rd house: Communication, ideas, short-distance travel, promotion, loose lips sink ships

4th house: Home, family, emotions, Momma drama, out with the old, woke?

5th house: Creativity, fun, romance, mile high club? musician?

6th house: Health, organization and routines, service, military, if it ain’t broke…, left foot, right foot

7th house: Relationships (both professional and romantic), contracts, marriage, vow renewals, pregnancy

8th house: Sex, mystery, other people’s money, Got Bitcoin? Potential new partner(s),

9th house: Learning, spirituality, long-distance travel, long distance relationship, church activities, clergy

10th house: Achievement, tradition, authority, Politicians, lawyers, judges and the Fuzz

11th house: Friendships, technology, humanitarianism, publicity seekers, bankers, do unto others before they do unto you!

12th house: Intuition, the arts, endings, artistic, spontaneous, kind, everyone loves you, Finally, someone had almond flour

Astropancakeology and the 7 Moons of Moronica – Available soon on Amazon in 7 languages!

Veganscope characteristics as interpreted by Nostrildamus

Gaze upon your vegan astrological sign, character analysis and prognostications by Nostrildamus if you dare!

The ARIES Vegan – March 21 to April 19

The TAURUS Vegan – April 20 to May 2

The GEMINI Vegan – May 21 to June 20

The CANCER Vegan – June 21 to July 22

The LEO Vegan – July 23 to August 22

The VIRGO Vegan – August 23 to September 22

The LIBRA Vegan – September 23 to October 22

The SCORPIO Vegan – October 23 to November 21

The SAGITTARIUS Vegan – November 22 to December 21

The CAPRICORN Vegan – December 22 to January 19

The AQUARIUS Vegan – January 20 to February 18

The PISCES Vegan – February 19 to March 20

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