Introducing another one of our idiotic ideas, a new series of posts featuring life advice questions and answers submitted by our readers with responses by Dexter the Vegan BlogOdile, our resident advice giver and mascot at the Vegan Swamp. You can depend on him for sound, compassionate advice, delivered with the straightforward nonsense of a complete stranger. Words of wisdom delivered Dear Abby style by our intrepid BlogOdile and Life Advice Coach, Dexter. But we just call him Dex.
Warning! Dex has nothing to lose, no woke sponsors to throw him under the bus, no advertisers who bail at the first sign of trouble, he says exactly what he means, he wears the BS ring and a doubting scowl on his scaly face. He cries crocodile tears for those he suspects are just losers and trolls. Please be advised that your letters to Dear Dex will serve as a release for basically anything we can think of.
But on with the first letter in our new series, Dear Dex,
Dear Dex,
My husband is a meathead and I am vegan. He refuses to even discuss what everyone knows that science has proven the harm to our planet from animal agriculture, the inhumane way animals are treated, then slaughtered and packaged for human consumption. He insists the only way he gets enough protein is by eating lots of meat even though I have shown him compelling evidence that broccoli has more protein in it than that disgusting slab of cow butt.
He knows how I feel about having to buy, prepare and cook everything I hate just for him, even our kids won’t eat meat. As I’m bending over a hot stove he is laughing, sitting there making stupid jokes about ‘those crazy vegans’, skillfully changing the subject of his meatheadism by remarking with a smirk on his face, that I have a ‘great ass’. I smile cheekily and counter this ‘compliment’ with, “yes honey, how do suppose I got this “great ass?” By adopting a plant-based diet and losing 50 lbs, that’s how!”
Then he starts to go off on a new tangent, what he calls “outrageous” behavior by a few vegan activists, using as an example that Idaho murder suspect, who he calls, among other things we can’t say here, an “extreme vegan nutcase.” No one knows yet what drove this guy to murder, why he ‘allegedly’ killed these four young college kids, but I suspect it was because they often ridiculed his vegan lifestyle, maybe even going so far as waving a cheeseburger under his nose.
That makes about as much sense as any other theory I’ve heard so far. Or maybe he did it for ‘extra credit’ in his criminology course with a professor who teaches BTK history?
Nancy Grace on Fox News said he even demanded his mom throw away all the pots and pans in the house that had once cooked meat and replace them with new ones or he will eat elsewhere! This from a deadbeat college boy! Just what pray tell was he going to do with that free PhD in Criminal Justice? If they hadn’t caught him he could have risen to become the next imitation-cop serial killer! God spare us all from those monsters! And his parents are still sticking up for him! Innocent until proven guilty? not in this case, no sir!
But I digress, let’s get back to my problem Mr. Dex, surely you can help me. I don’t want to leave my husband or force him to go to fast-food joints every night because I love him, he is a good man and a good Dad to his kids. But I must admit his eating habits are truly disgusting to me, and when he farts the whole house smells like the stockyards after a heavy rain! How can I ever change him?
Signed,
Meatless in Seattle
Dear Meatless,
First of all, don’t call me Shirley, ( I loved Airplane)
Don’t feel that you are alone, there are lots of meathead/vegan relationships that work out well despite their differences. If you want to know more detail about this subject please visit my post, A plant-based Dilemma but if you want a quick answer here it is.
From the Scenes We’d like to See Department
The next time your hubby wants you to cook a hunk of dead bovine flesh, do it while wearing nothing but panties and a bra. Shake that “great ass” repeatedly until he forgets all about his carnivorous urges and a different kind of urge rears its ugly head. Just as he thinks you are going to let him fondle your melons, you turn to him and say, “is that a carrot in your shorts or are you just glad to see me?” That’s when you throw down the spatula, splashing him with hot grease, cook your own heart attack she yells, and Oh yeah, no more of (shaking her hiny) THAT big boy, until you change your meathead ways.”
Unfortunately, ultimatums of this type, using sex as leverage to get what you want, usually fail and fail miserably, especially when attempted against men. Just remember that ultimatum shit can work both ways!
One reason they fail is that you get horny too! The second reason is that meatheads are usually stubborn as a mule – repeating often in a dangerous tone, “it will be a cold day in hell before I stop eating meat.”
In sickness and Health
But let’s get serious for a moment here, you say your man is a good husband and father, you love him, and you don’t want to leave him, that says a lot about him right there. My advice to you is to put up with his meathead ways until he is finally convinced by (maybe someone other than you) that a plant-based diet is the way to go. Or he caves just because he is sick and tired of your constant harping on him about his diet and the many other ways that the planet, the animals, and our health benefit by adopting a plant-based lifestyle.
The current most hated man in America
As for that murderous, obsessive and disturbed “extreme vegan nutcase”, your husband was referring to, well, those Idaho cops secretly got their revenge, claiming “it musta been a typo Sarge” when asked the spelling of the suspects name. As he was being booked & processed into the jail, they purposely mis-spelled the scumbags last name on the booking form when they discovered he was a vegan. After the eye rolling and belly-slapping yuks were over, the sad and sick irony of a tragic situation, it just got to them. Laughter and sick humor is the way cops deal with the dregs of society. No wonder a lot of them end up eating their guns. Cops see it all, and this was a really bad crime scene.
Here is this punk-ass college kid, obviously spoiled (still living with mommy and daddy) who we think slaughtered these beautiful kids for no reason we can understand. He calls himself a vegan when he used a knife to … never mind. He was booked ‘mistakenly’ as Bryan KBurger instead of the actual spelling of his last name which is spelled MURDERING SCUM or Kohberger if you think he has a chance in hell to be acquitted of this travesty, they got DNA! Party’s over! Fat lady is warming up!
Now, anywhere he goes in the legal system he will be forever referred to by guards and by other murderers on the ‘row’ by his cop-inspired and brilliant new moniker; KBurger. When sent to death row after his conviction he will be subjected to the taunting shouts and laughter of other murderous scum, reverberating off those cold prison walls.
“I got me some BUNS for a BIG KBurger right here!
Stay tuned for further Ask Dex updates and inspirational Life Advice from Dexter, the vegan BlogOdile!