The inebriated Meathead

Here is one very slanted way of looking at history to fit a conservative viewpoint.

This bit of nonsense was sent to us by a reader, and it was in regard to one of our previous posts, Conservative Vegan vs Liberal Vegan.

They would not say it was written by them and they deny knowing who first penned it. Or what they wanted us to do with it. Was their point, lost in a carnivorous rant, to woke us dumb plant-based vegans? No mind, we just added some middle bits and went with it. This one is Funny, no matter your politics!

Beer begets progress

The two most important events in all of history, were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so no need for those ugly cup holders, while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed and races on round tracks were invented. Who can be the fastest to go nowhere?

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer as fast as possible and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Conservatives & Liberals

(If there are two words more likely to stir up trouble nowadays it’s those two, AKA as the LEFT and the RIGHT.)

Men who were less skilled at hunting (were called ‘vegetarians’ which was an early human word meaning ‘bad hunter’). They learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the cooking, cleaning and the kowtowing to their conservative betters. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Stirring the Liberal Pot

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals.